Laughing at the fantastic Tesco fiasco

So, Tesco shares have closed the day 6.5% down after they announced profits have been overstated by £263m. Easily done I suppose. Apparently underlying profits have slumped to (a miserly) £783m, down almost 47% on the previous year and sales continued to fall. Good. Fuck ‘em. Some chief exec fella is on his way out too, no doubt with his pockets bulging under the weight of a sizeable cheque and a lifetime of clubcard points.

Maybe if they spent more time putting staff on tills and less time getting their ‘valued customers’ to do their jobs for them, they may see their all important shares soar once more. Or then again maybe they could design and build more airport lounges alongside their oh so popular self-service tills, encouraging customers to not just pick and swipe their own shopping – because everyone likes to serve themselves don’t they – now you get the option of scanning it too. Saves them a job I suppose. And wages.

tesco-generation

Here’s some advice to restore faith in Tesco. Bring back tills where you serve your customers, and employ more staff. Ditch any self-serve, self-scan rubbish. Your shoppers buy your goods so you should serve them. Apparently one of the benefits of customers doing all the work whilst shopping is the ‘convenience’. Yeah, convenient compared to queuing for half an hour at one of the four remaining tills operated by staff on minimum wage. More staff, shorter queues, happier customers. Simple.

I actually love the fact that their profits are crashing as their policy of technology before personnel fails miserably. Every little helps apparently. Like spending £28.9m flying executives around the world in private planes between 2005 and 2012, and perhaps it wasn’t overly prudent spending £31m on a new Gulfstream G550 Jet when money is tight. Who do you think you are? RBS? Call the Tories.

Oh, and sort your customer service out too… what remains of it. Not that there’s much I’d enjoy more than seeing Tesco collapse in a pile of out-of-date rubble under a mountain of debt, scandal and corruption.

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